Conflict can happen during any season where stress is elevated whether it be with our partners, friends or family. It can get crazy with so many personalities and so many needs wanting to be met. I so get it! This is why I want to bring to light more of the messy tough moments so they may feel loved and we have permission to co-create epic relationships all of the time.
Today with you as my witness I am stepping beyond shame and hiding within the walls of perceived perfection. My desire is to share with you the moments in relationships which we don’t always talk about or feel that there is a “safe” space to share without judgement.
You know, those moments, the real messy ones?!
Like when you’re deep in the midst of preparing to lead a group in seminar, or focused so intently with all your attention on a creative project and your beloved is feeling stressed desiring attention, affection and physical closeness. In that moment you realize you have not been sharing as much attention as is desired. Or the moments when my need is to have all my energy to focus and all he wants, after a stressful day is just to be held, caressed and passionately make love. Before you know it, there is an explosion, panic, the fight, flight or freeze response kicks in, the brain can’t think clearly and nothing makes sense to either one of us.
Ok, well yes, this was a part of my story! I know we have all had them in some way, can you relate to similar moments?
Yes, today is the day that I allow my brilliant bold humanness to show, to shout out on a mountain top that my partner and I experience messy moments at times. And I am here to say it is absolutely perfectly human for any of us and it’s ok!
I have been reflecting on how my role as an intimacy and relationship educator, who functions as an entrepreneur. It can be easy to create a self inflicted cage of an impossible level of perfection, never making mistakes and being super-human.
Today I want to celebrate those messy moments and speak into them with you. For these often uncomfortable experiences carry with them gems of wisdom to learn, and evolve in ourselves which impacts the whole of the relationship.
I believe talking about these moments, unpacking our messy reactions in a safe environment is the perfect medicine for the boundless state of intimacy to be awakened in our lives. I see these vulnerable moments to be sexy and attractive.
No more suffocating ourselves, pretending and hiding behind closed doors!!! Are you with me?!
We all know we slip up. I know I can certainly recall times when as a couple we have gone into unconscious habit zones where needs are yearning, we are tired, and instead of talking we slip into moments of defensiveness, passive aggressiveness, and blaming in our own ways.
Now the gold is quickly being able to redirect back into a loving present state. This means having the tools and presence to do so. As well as being accountable. Like falling off the horse, the development of skills and embodied presence helps us to have the strength and awareness to pick ourselves back up again and decide how we can do things differently.
My beloved and I are are kind loving humans and hold a deep level of love and admiration towards one another. We daily devote our individual paths and our relational path to compassionate understanding, safety and sexual empowerment.
This is why I want to share some of my favorite go to items when emotions are on high, tiredness has set in and having a loving conversation is nearly void in the moment. You feel scared, you’re grasping for closeness of your partner in this moment as it seems the only way that you won’t drown, through fighting or forcing. We want to redirect to self-sourcing and this will assist in that re-direct.
Create a Safe Word. A safe word is a word selected by partners together that when used indicates one partner would like to pause or stop the current conversation or activity for any reason. I like the simplicity of using the terms Yellow Light and Red Light.
Yellow light would suggest a pause, staying together, breathing, maybe cuddling and taking a moment to find equanimity and calm. Red Light says stop. It suggests one is calling to stop the conversation completely, to take space from one another and to reconvene when both individuals are once again in a loving compassionate place.
When to call a Yellow Light or Red Light? Use your safe words when you are feeling depleted and unable to be present anymore, or when you find you or your partner or family member are becoming defensive, and emotions are escalating. If they have escalated to the point that every word is leading to argument I would call the Red Light.
Remember to say I love you. When I call a yellow or red light I always begin by affirming I love you and acknowledge that what the other has to say is important. I go on to share “I desire together to find resolution with loving kindness. To do I want to pause or stop and recovene when I am feeling more centered.”
Know when to walk away and how to do it with compassionate understanding. If the other is lost in the grip of reaction,(note this does not mean violence in anyway) I set a firm boundary by calling the “Red Light”. I might say, “I love you, I want to come back to this later and leave the room.” We leave the conversation or room not in a reactive place but in a loving place. Remember all of this was a strategy and steps we created together in advance as part of our compassionate listening toolkit. This means it is not a surprise when we go into applying such techniques.
One of the things I have learned and have been reminded of at times is that depletion is not a loving action to any human or relationship. I would consider being in process until complete exhaustion to be self harm. The above steps are an act of loving kindness to you, your partner, friend or family member and to the relationship as a whole.
We all deserve to be in a relationship where all partners are committed to their personal evolution, doing the deep self work. I find when we devote our lives to living radically accountable and self aware, our relationships naturally are nourished. This goodness flows over into a safe, compassionate, loving relational field. It helps us love the messy within us and to evolve it into something new, more serving to humanity.
If you’re currently in a relationship of any kind or have some intense sometimes messy family time happening, share in the comments below what your relationship messy looks like. I am here to walk with you by your side.
If you have a deeper relationship challenge you’d like to chat with me about, I would love to help you on your journey. You can book an appointment with me here.