What do you do when you find yourself emotionally triggered within a relationship dynamic.
My partner and I enjoy geeking out on relational topics especially as we explore co-creating relationship on our terms and not what society tells us is the “right” way or what has been role modeled to us in our upbringing.
Most recently we have chosen to share a home and cohabitate. We all can imagine living together within a house structure awakens a new environment to get to know, to get triggered and to certainly get to know ourselves and one another in some profound ways.
Today the topic was on the “closed bedroom door” and how we may interpret this based on our emotional state or history.
When I recently moved into my partners home it was agreed upon that we would sleep in our rooms, yet enjoy all the cuddles in bed, sexual adventures everywhere in the home and that we would have spaciousness for our solo time and sleep.
I have chosen to sleep alone and to have my bedroom which is my sacred haven to enjoy the solo time, meditate, go to when I desire to be alone or write. It is also where I sleep.
What I have discovered in my long life of relating is that my sleeping with a partner was more emotional neediness in the past. It was not a physical need nor was it in the highest of benefits for my body’s wellbeing.
What I mean by that is I am a very light sleeper. I don’t sleep well when cuddled or touched in the night, and I wake to the sound of a needle dropping.
While I love cuddling and closeness it was compromising the much-needed sleep I require for my body to thrive. It was challenging at first when I discovered that my emotional need for such closeness at night was unhealthy as it was not serving my entire wellbeing.
Through our conversations, we realize how to the outside world this might be judged as something gone wrong in the relationship while we have discovered quite the opposite. By having our rooms, we both get to honor and celebrate our different schedules.
My partner gets up early and goes to bed later. I go to sleep first and spend my mornings in silence and meditations or sleeping late. When we do come together, we are both more energized and excited. I have more capacity for connection and feel so much joy to share the love. Plus I am rested, and my body and spirit feel nourished.
What does come up though is that tricky past. The stories we have to what love is, and how often we attach actions to define love. While we know our shared autonomy is fueling our closeness and partnership, the emotional body might still sneak in triggered and caught up in its very enticing stories.
Today my partner shared how sometimes he walks by my closed door and feels rejected. He feels triggered and a tightness in his body. Other times he understands why the door is shut and has no thought.
The beauty of this is that something from his past is coming up to the surface to transform. It is calling for love. When he comes to me to share this feeling we enjoy compassionately discussing and unpacking the feelings and needs. I in the process receive the gift of vulnerability, honesty, connection and a time to practice compassionate deep listening.
We explore what it feels like in his body. Sitting facing each other, affectionately petting and loving upon one another at the same time. He asks, please tell me more about this boundary and need of yours to have a shut door. I share how closing my door and going into my cave “our code word” is to focus all my energy inward or towards a project. To sort of have a date with Tziporah. I require a door shut so as not to be energetically or physically distracted by the rest of the world or happenings in the home.
When we talk and share from a place of self-responsibility, we can begin to feel more connected to ourself and each other. As we listen compassionately and attentively to one another, the body and mind feel a sense of calmness, feel the intimacy which we share.
Something he had learned is the difference between accommodating and honoring or celebrating a partners boundary or need. Accommodating can have a feeling of losing one’s own needs or overriding their desires. For me, it states that one is adjusting and overriding their feelings. If one sees themselves being accommodating it may over time feel like a chore and create a disconnect between those relating.
Whereas to celebrate a loved one’s boundaries is to feel a sense of joy that by doing this your partner is fueled and thriving. As well the eco-system and the whole of the relationship is powered and has more love to share. One action is out of obligation and one from a place of joy.
If you are finding yourself consumed by your emotional triggers, confused by your partner’s actions, yearning for more soul inspired intimacy in your life, or to dial in your communication skills to create a winning team, email me for your one on one soul discovery call.