In a world where people use relationships and sex as a means to fill a void, addiction, depression and various psychosomatic disorders are common. In such a world, you may find yourself settling for a lower quality of living, loving or relating. You might find yourself feeling trapped, uncomfortable in your body, like a bird in a cage with a muzzle over your mouth, your solar plexus in a noose, chest tight, shoulders to your ears. We end up living so guarded out of fear of what will come out when we finally relax, feel and share our desires, needs and wants truthfully.
In recent weeks, I have had several clients, all men, come to me because they are feeling this way. For them, work, activities and sex have become mechanical — a way to run farther away from their own selves. Sex has become all about getting off, with a lack of intimate bonding. And upon that soulless ejaculation, they feel a yearning for something more.
Often this way of living and relating feels like a painful dependence on the people around you. This level of codependency often weighs on the relationships, suffocated the people within them. How often does your confidence and self-expression depend on receiving their approval? How often, as an adult, have you been confused by your own emotional needs, judging these needs, along with your own desires?
What swells up in these men are feelings of confusion: confusion about their role as a man. They come to believe that sex is a mere soulless act of raw physical penetration. And they are walking around guarded, asking “how do I get back to the place where my spirit and sex are one, where I feel safe to be held and caressed?
How do I open my heart, open myself to being touched, to crying, to being radically who I am, with grace, with presence and with ease? How do I get to that place where I feel safe with the raw passion of my wild sexuality, where I am welcomed and met equally by my partner?”
And I hear from them: “I want to feel alive and thrive again. Yet I am finding myself going through my days, holding back, out of fear of being judged.”
Does this sound like you or someone you know? Now this issue does not only pertain to men, as I have worked with many women who have similar journeys to reconnect with the power of their sacred fire. With so much attention on “women’s empowerment” I desire to take this moment to shed light on the masculine who are experiencing the rise to embrace their soulful sexuality.
That confusion we experience on this healing journey is actually dialing us directly into our own inner masculine and feminine qualities. In the world we see so much about women’s empowerment as the pendulum is finding equality. However, it is imperative that the men are also seen, heard and understood for us to meet in the middle again in this human race. No matter what your gender, race or sexual preference is what I see is our inner masculine and feminine shouting out to return to divine partnership with the warrior in every one of us.
I am reminded of a student who recently shared his story with me during his initial Soulful Relating appointment. “My parents never held me. They were not bad people, they were just trying to survive.” He went on to say that he was surrounded by men who treated women harshly. And even the lack of affection and affirmation from his parents made him feel guilty and angry. He vowed “as I grew up, I swore I would not become them!”
When we put our guard up so that we don’t feel the anger or the guilt (or shame, or whatever), guess what happens? We end up in a tightly constructed suit of armor that walls in negative beliefs. We are left to stew with the belief that sex is bad and that our desires are wrong.
A lifetime of working so hard to contain the anger, guilt or shame will interfere with you feeling anything at all. It leaves you with no room to feel the full depth of love, or pleasure especially if the only examples of love you’ve seen are violent, abusive and harsh. These empty voids are often left vacant to be filled with addiction whether it be addiction to over working, unhealthy relationships, sex, food, shopping, self loathing or drugs. In an endless loop to feel something.
You are not alone. That very same client went on to speak these words: “I think many men are experiencing what I am