In a world where people use relationships and sex as a means to fill a void, addiction, depression and various psychosomatic disorders are common. In such a world, you may find yourself settling for a lower quality of living, loving or relating. You might find yourself feeling trapped, uncomfortable in your body, like a bird in a cage with a muzzle over your mouth, your solar plexus in a noose, chest tight, shoulders to your ears. We end up living so guarded out of fear of what will come out when we finally relax, feel and share our desires, needs and wants truthfully.
In recent weeks, I have had several clients, all men, come to me because they are feeling this way. For them, work, activities and sex have become mechanical — a way to run farther away from their own selves. Sex has become all about getting off, with a lack of intimate bonding. And upon that soulless ejaculation, they feel a yearning for something more.
Often this way of living and relating feels like a painful dependence on the people around you. This level of codependency often weighs on the relationships, suffocated the people within them. How often does your confidence and self-expression depend on receiving their approval? How often, as an adult, have you been confused by your own emotional needs, judging these needs, along with your own desires?
What swells up in these men are feelings of confusion: confusion about their role as a man. They come to believe that sex is a mere soulless act of raw physical penetration. And they are walking around guarded, asking “how do I get back to the place where my spirit and sex are one, where I feel safe to be held and caressed?
How do I open my heart, open myself to being touched, to crying, to being radically who I am, with grace, with presence and with ease? How do I get to that place where I feel safe with the raw passion of my wild sexuality, where I am welcomed and met equally by my partner?”
And I hear from them: “I want to feel alive and thrive again. Yet I am finding myself going through my days, holding back, out of fear of being judged.”
Does this sound like you or someone you know? Now this issue does not only pertain to men, as I have worked with many women who have similar journeys to reconnect with the power of their sacred fire. With so much attention on “women’s empowerment” I desire to take this moment to shed light on the masculine who are experiencing the rise to embrace their soulful sexuality.
That confusion we experience on this healing journey is actually dialing us directly into our own inner masculine and feminine qualities. In the world we see so much about women’s empowerment as the pendulum is finding equality. However, it is imperative that the men are also seen, heard and understood for us to meet in the middle again in this human race. No matter what your gender, race or sexual preference is what I see is our inner masculine and feminine shouting out to return to divine partnership with the warrior in every one of us.
I am reminded of a student who recently shared his story with me during his initial Soulful Relating appointment. “My parents never held me. They were not bad people, they were just trying to survive.” He went on to say that he was surrounded by men who treated women harshly. And even the lack of affection and affirmation from his parents made him feel guilty and angry. He vowed “as I grew up, I swore I would not become them!”
When we put our guard up so that we don’t feel the anger or the guilt (or shame, or whatever), guess what happens? We end up in a tightly constructed suit of armor that walls in negative beliefs. We are left to stew with the belief that sex is bad and that our desires are wrong.
A lifetime of working so hard to contain the anger, guilt or shame will interfere with you feeling anything at all. It leaves you with no room to feel the full depth of love, or pleasure especially if the only examples of love you’ve seen are violent, abusive and harsh. These empty voids are often left vacant to be filled with addiction whether it be addiction to over working, unhealthy relationships, sex, food, shopping, self loathing or drugs. In an endless loop to feel something.
You are not alone. That very same client went on to speak these words: “I think many men are experiencing what I am
[experiencing] right now, but no one wants to talk about it.” So let’s talk about it. Because the time to shift is now. And I believe that healing happens one step at a time, and it begins with awareness.
Relational dysfunction grows out of a garden that has not received adequate nutrients.
Such as baby not getting enough touch and attention; a child being told over and over again to be quiet; witnessing parents fighting; growing up in a competitive social world where cliques form and names are called. It all adds to that belief which leads to a feeling that one does not belong.
We live in a world where people are grasping at addiction and dysfunctional behaviors to fill a void so frequently that it seems to have become the norm. Yet the void is a bottomless pit and soon they find they don’t remember who they are, or how they got here.
Every being deserves to feel safe, loved and understood. Why are we living as robots where so many hold back their true feelings — hold back expressing what their spirit and heart yearns to express?
I am here to say that You Matter! Your desires, your dreams, your feelings matter. You have a unique genius which the world needs. The way to finally feel the intimacy and the fullness of your sexuality is by going in. Into yourself and embracing the discomfort and coming out on the other side; making sure every day to let your loved ones, friends, partner, community and the world know more about you, your desires, your dreams, and your feelings.
I am grateful that there are so many professionals like myself whose work is creating a safe space for people to go into the fire; to be there on the journey, with you, guiding you to finally love and understand those parts of yourself that you have been running from all your life. Seek out an expert. It is important because if you don’t have a safe space you will simply keep on running. Find an expert, make this commitment to yourself.
To start doing things differently I invite you to put aside 15 to 30 minutes. Have a pen and notebook, a glass of water, blanket and make sure you will not be interrupted.
Let’s start with these simple 8-steps to revolutionizing intimacy:
- Get still, feel and observe. Sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes and simply observe what your body is feeling
- Full circular breathing. Place you hands on your lower belly and bring in a couple of diaphragmatic breathes.
- Make a list of the places from your life that you have judged and run from. Make a list of things such as your sexual desires or emotional needs that you have pushed down and felt shame around.
- Get still again, review your list and start to identify what feelings you have about this list, such as sadness, anger, rage. What is you physical body feeling as well.
- Find 1 to 3 needs that the little boy or girl inside you, or adult-self has on account of that list. Example: I may not have been held or felt my parents around much as a child. My need may be: I needed to be held more, I needed my parents to spend more time with me. Or, I need to communicate and speak up more as an adult, I need to surround myself with people who are open to listening, I need more conscious touch, I need to slow down when engaging sexually.
- Affirm by saying out loud and writing down “I DESERVE ______________.” for every need you stated.
- Close your eyes, feel and come back to your circular breathing for five minutes.
- Create ONE step you will take today or tomorrow that will assist you in creating the life you desire with more intimacy, connection and sexual depth.
Fear of intimacy and shame around your own sexuality are beliefs that were conditioned over your lifetime. Drugs, addiction, eating disorders — to name just a few — are means to fill that void or run away. We seek to either overwhelm our pain by drowning in hedonism, or to numb ourselves so that we can no longer feel it at all. And it is important to understand this. When we can let our old limiting “stories” be our teachers, we empower ourselves to use them to do something positive.
I know all too well that it can feel scary. I have been there. I woke up one morning to find I was barely able to walk; I had gained 30 pounds in 48 hours and was feeling immense physical and emotional pain. I wanted to numb myself to the world.
We must feel in order to create sustainable change.
My cry became “I WOULD RATHER FEEL EVERYTHING THAN NOTHING AT ALL!” Your feelings are going to be your stepping stone to uncovering and discovering what you need. This will begin to allow you to make more empowered choices and feel more intimately connected.
Beneath it all, all the avoidance, pain, guardedness, and running, we want love and connection.
Say “yes” to the love and connection. Do it today. I invite you to lean in and find that professional who can hold space for you to rebuild that profound relationship of love and connection with yourself. You are beautiful, perfect and invaluable to the world.
You deserve to be touched, held and heard, fully. Your tears are sacred gifts, so let them flow. Today it is time to listen deeply, our spirits are calling us back to relate soulfully again.
Are you feeling the call to take the next step? I would like to offer you a special invitation to the Soulful Relating Mentoring Program. I have 2 Spots available now through November 15th. If you are tired of settling for superficial relationships, desire soulful sexuality, feel lost in your emotional needs and are yearning to let life touch you again, go to www.soulfulrelatinginstitute.com to sign up for a complimentary phone call to see if the VIP day is a match for you.
In Love, Service and Appreciation